Юмор

Introduction

It has always been a tradition at Tom's Hardware Guide to use the Thanksgiving holiday as a launchpad for new testing procedures. This year we are going one step further by launching Tom's Turkey Guide, a new section of our site. This article, as a matter of fact, has been given wholely over to the testing and evalution of mobile turkey turnkey solutions.

In keeping with our day-old tradition, we have collected this year's latest mobile gobbler products and put them through rigorous testing in the THG kitchens.

This is the first instance where a FDB (frozen dead bird) has been used in our labs for testing purposes, and, in the future, we hope to expand our procedures to include rodents, and pachyderms.

Our US Grade A gobbler was stored at a temperature of 1 degree Celsius during all our tests, and was subsequently placed in a maximum security refigeration unit upon completion of our tests, pending release to the THG kitchens for seasoning. The THG Frozen Dead Bird (FDB) put all our test subjects through their paces.

Mobile Gobbler Solutions

Now, many of you may be wondering what a Mobile Gobbler Solution (MGS) is. Some of you may actually be saying, "Surely turkeys can fly?" Others, less prone to such flights of fancy, might be saying, "Surely turkeys can walk?"

Granted, mobility is not a problem for the live bird, be it turkey, pigeon, or blue tit (parus caeruleus). However, dead, extremely cold, plucked fowl have a problem with mobility, and so do the people who have to carry said fowl around from meeting to meeting, or take them on long business trips.

For a number of years, the leaders of the computing industry have been giving away Mobile Gobbler Solutions at trade shows and conferences, calling them "bags," as if they were just another typical trade show tchachke. But we know they're plotting, hoping to seed the market with their products and then, once you're hooked, hit you up for the price of an upgrade to Mobile Woof Woof Solutions, and the enterprise-level Mobile Pachyderm Solution.

The bigger the so-called "bag" the more powerful the product, right? Well, we've tested a bunch of these devices and have the results for you here. Before you think about building your MGS strategy around any of these products, take a close look at our results. You may be surprised by how far we have to go before we can even dream about a Mobile Pachyderm Solution (MPS).

Test Setup

For the purposes of our test, we relied on the benchmark Mobile Gobbler Pack from WinHEC 1999. This was one of those rare occassions, for those of us honored enough to be present, where Microsoft actually had a jump on its competition, and was not just improving on existing competitive products.

The poultry-significant WinHEC99 Mobile Gobbler Pack from Microsoft still ranks as the benchmark of MGS products.

In fact, many observers of the MGS market believe that Microsoft helped to define and shape the market in the first place. Others believe that the original WinHEC99 was solely designed as a marketing gimmick, and that only after a WinHEC99 attendee was discovered using it to carry groceries did an astute Microsoft product manager go to Bill Gates and ask for his own product group, and $120 million in funding.

The proof is in the pudding. The WinHEC99 fully loaded with the THG FDB. To the novice, there is no indication that this device contains a FDB.

Whatever the real beginnings of the market, MGS products are here to stay, and proliferating at every trade show and conference.

WinHEC Mobile Gobbler 2001

The WinHEC Mobile Gobbler 2001 is, sadly, a step down for Microsoft from the classic WinHEC99. It lacks the same impact and bold design.

A bit of a sad sack when it comes to mobile turkeying, but still a stylish addition to any MGS- lover's collection.

Despite having a better-designed handle and being more portable, the WinHEC Mobile Gobbler 2001 is strained under the load of THG's FDB.

Extreme FDB syndrome for the WinHEC Mobile Gobbler 2001.

IDF Gobble2Go - Plus and XP Versions

Intel has been using its developer forum, IDF, to get its MGS products into the hands of developers. The XP version of Intel's product, designed for the road warrior, is a very cool product to look at.

The IDF 2001 Gobble2Go XP is a stylish product, and comes in a soothing blue color, although we fail to see what a dead bird needs with soothing colors. We think that Intel has designed this bag for closet carnivores who like to buy soy products at their local health food store, a surprisingly large and growing market. The color is disarming, wouldn't you say?

However, in our test, the Gobble2Go XP failed to provide comfort for either the user or the THG FDB. Just because the bird is dead does not mean it's without feelings, is all we have to say to Intel.

One unhappy dead bird. Albeit, Intel's thermal coupling managed to keep our frozen test rig icy cool no matter what we threw at it.

The surprise for us this year has been Intel's Gobble2Go Plus, a product that is not really worthy of Intel's branding, but continues to rear its head in the MGS market.

We've heard rumors that the Gobble2Go Plus, a cheaper predecessor to the XP model, has problems with heavier FDBs, and you may get handle breakage. We have yet to see the same problems in our labs, but it is possible judging by the design of the stitching.

Maybe it's because this is a cheap, functional product, and that's all some people need. Not for the hardcore mobile turkey enthusiast, though.

Portly Tech Scribe GobbleRunner

The MGS market is the only segment of the computing industry that caters primarily to technology journalists, and this product, which is often referred to as the Portly Tech Scribe GobbleRunner, is very popular among journalists looking for free drinks and food at evening events during trade shows.

This product is not something that many of our readers will be able to get, no matter how much free food and drink they can imbibe in return for a product pitch on a table top.

The GobbleRunner just keeled over exhausted in this test. Not unlike its target demographic.

ATI's Gobble XL

We really couldn't figure out why ATI, a Canadian company, would want to take such a big step into this market, but Canada gets real cold, and they have turkeys that die, so, there must be some fascination with FDBs right there.

US-based FDBs do not conform to the metric system, and therefore, our test rig did not fit in the ATI Gobble XL.

The Gobble XL from ATI is very stylish, and far more suited to carrying notebooks than as an MGS product. ATI has assured us that the Gobble XL200 will be twice as big, twice as easy to carry, and have room for a petrified moose. Can't wait.

MP Forum's Cold Turkey Fusion

Microprocessor Forum attendees got the latest in die shrunk MGS development at this year's event.

The compact, highly dense, MP Forum Cold Turkey Fusion product.

Surprisingly, the Cold Turkey Fusion was able to withstand everything the THG FDB could throw at it. There wasn't much room left over for the cranberry upgrade pack that comes with the THG FDB, but you can't have everything. It was, after all, designed by a bunch of analysts.

According to a report from IDC the market for mobile gobbling is set to grow 125% in the next five years, and would you please buy the report to avoid missing out on this humongous market opportunity.

Meltdown's X-Turkey X-Pack

A highly sought-after MGS product. There's a limited supply, and with Microsoft working on a console turkey product, it will probably end up a collector's item.

The X-Turkey X-Pack is nice and all, but we're so over the whole X-this, and X-that thing with Microsoft. A limited edition mobile turkey product like this will probably have people going ga-ga on eBay, but the same functionality is easily found in any number of other products.

The THG FDB easily slid in and out of the X-Turkey X-Pack. The console version will only support hung pheasant.

Conclusion

Frankly, we're amazed at the amount of activity in the MGS market. Vendors seem to be rushing to outdo each other. However, most of the main components seem to be coming out of a few mainland China factories, and all that some vendors are doing is slapping a label on the product and shipping it out.

This doesn't necessarily mean that the products lack quality or suffer from a paucity of ideas. Most of the 2001 models, including Intel's Gobble2Go XP have pockets that double as Ketchup bottle holders or, in a pinch, you can use them for a cell phone.

So, the next time you see a FDB and wonder how the heck to transport it around and show it off to your colleagues, you may like to consider buying one the products reviewed here.

Happy New Year.

Обсуждение в форуме

Подписаться на рассылку

Другие статьи